Undisclosed Location, Minnesota, July 11, 2015
This past Tuesday, my wife Silja and I celebrated 25 years of matrimony. It is hard to say if such an event was silver, a celebration, a work in progress, or simply amazing but none the less I was in a wedding mood this week. But that is not really what this post is about. Frankly, most of you might not even believe half the stuff I do...but I am living the dream.
In April of 2013, in Chapter 30 of Boobies, Peckers, and Tits, somewhere south of Marathon TX, my birding friend Jim and I formed a church, initially, the Church of the Sacred Ocotillo, and later I called it St. Ocotillo. Who or what is Ocotillo many ask? We decided what was important for a religion and everything we thought of came back to the ocotillo. This plant matches us the believers here on earth, we are naked, yet produce beauty in a desolate place and provide food under the sun for others like hummingbirds and lizards, our sacred animals.
Besides social nudity at worship, we believe in frequent ritualistic baptism, and eating and drinking the fruits of the sacred sun, like ...wine! All of us would also once reborn would take a spiritual name, in fact Jim became the Bishop Arvid...
Many of you thought this was all some deluded idea or speculation but in 2013 I went and got myself ordained and then after forming the church's website, nudewedding.org....I qualified for performing weddings in many states with my ordination papers.
Everything came together yesterday, when I had a big spiritual day. First, I baptized 154 people in a pool together to purify all of us prior to a nudist wedding, which I think I like a Naturist wedding better. Much like the old pagan traditions of the wedding bath we recreated that, or it could be said it was the largest nude skinny dip in Minnesota this year, or something.
It was a couple that I knew and they had been together for some time. After the ritualistic baptism, we all went to the naturist outdoor wedding hoping the sky would hold and the rain would stay away. Luckily it did!
At precisely 5pm I had the throng stand with my arms and then the soloist sang "The Rose" as the matron of honor and bride in her white veil came forward, escorted by her brother filled with tears of joy and stood at the alter. After a small sermon that I did explaining how in Thomas More's Utopia he envisioned the perfect wedding in the 16th century as Bride and Groom presenting themselves naked to each other and all in preparation to be wed, then two more songs, vows, the blessing of the rings, I had a very happy couple married and they kissed.
There is nothing better than a wedding, really, nothing, everyone there was happy, the women all had tears, it was so romantic. And in St Ocotillo tradition, we then communally shared wine together for the toast.
Here I am drinking the first toast to the couple. Now you may wonder why I am not showing the happy couple or the guests...well, naked weddings are private affairs and generally what happens at them stays at them, and pictures...well use your imagination, or come. But except for the lack of clothing, these weddings are just like any other wedding, but at the rehearsal dinner, or cocktail party, we noticed some differences, mostly tongue and cheek but they are worth sharing...
1) When your wife tells you that you need to shave before a nudist wedding, it means a whole different thing than a regular wedding.
2) There are more naked dancing women at the wedding dance than at the bachelor party.
3) There is nowhere to pin corsages,
4) The bridesmaids don't have to worry about what to do with those ugly bridesmaid dresses after the wedding.
5) There is a definite problem of where the bride puts the money for the dollar dance, now we thought that the "Twin Titty Federal" bank was the best place.
6) You cant tell if the bride has been married before if she is wearing white or not. Well no one is of course wearing much of anything, especially white
7) The guests can do full body checks for suspicious moles while waiting for the ceremony to start.
8) The guests don't have to worry about what to wear, but instead of commenting on ugly dresses or winkled suits, guests with obvious tan lines get talked about in hushed tones.
9) Unlike Nicky Hlton who got her wedding dress caught in the car door and accidentally exposed herself, the bride is well exposed before hand.
10) The wedding party and pastor have to sign photography releases, and well you cant show the neighbors the wedding photos
Laughing aside, it was an honor to wed these two and afterwards, I was congratulated shaking hands and getting hugs, and I got at least ten invites for recommitment ceremonies and one future wedding request, so Olaf may be busy. Maybe I'll try to break a record for the largest all nude wedding ceremony (guests) or the largest baptism? I cant let it interfere with my birding though. But like my website says, I will perform a wedding anywhere, you just have to get me there and so let me know, have stole will travel. I'm not so sure my wife though is ready to be the pastor's wife.
Stay Married, get married, or call me I know so eligible singles and maybe it will work out!